I am that person who needs help from all of you. I am a 64-year-old mother of 3 fabulous adult children. I’ve been married to Dan, my best buddy for almost 36 years, and am not ready to end my adventures with Dan, my children, or my friends. I still have too much to see and experience, so I would prefer not to die.
I have Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, often just known as CLL. This is a cancer of the blood and bone marrow, so those of us who have this type of cancer, have immune systems that do not have the ability to fight infections like most people. We are just one segment of the population that have what is referred to as compromised immune systems.
The newest addition to the Fay household in McCloud is Astrid, a three-month-old torbie short hair kitten. Adopted as Regan, she was soon after named Astrid, a Norwegian name meaning beautiful goddess of divine strength. Her beauty, strength and spunk are on full display at the Fay home, where she has captured the hearts of all who meet her, even her big brother Duke, a nine-year-old Terrier mix.
Duke and Astrid
The Fays could not be happier, as Astrid has settled in beautifully. She has filled an enormous hole left after the passing of our (their) two senior cats who both passed away this past year. We are convinced that she is the absolute cutest, sweetest, and smartest kitten out there. Astrid snuggles with Dan or Lindy any chance she gets and does her best to get Duke to play with her.
I’m learning that it is becoming woefully common for adult children to become estranged, also known as “going no contact” from their parents. This generation of adult children might believe that their difficulties, shortcomings and mental health issues are to be blamed on the parents, or other influential adults. There is little tolerance for the parent’s mistakes, and no forgiveness for any of what we may have done. Any person who feels that they are better off without another cannot be argued with. Two people often don’t see things from the same reality, and this is frequently the case with Parental Estrangement.
My oldest daughter began slowly going no contact about two years now. I miss her beyond words. I long to hear her voice, feel her touch, to see photos or to hear about how and what she is doing. She lives about 13 hours away – More than 800 miles. I feel every single mile of that distance. My “momtuition” is very strong with those that I love. It has always been the strongest with my own mom, and my children. It wasn’t a surprise that Lizz was upset with me. I have known when something was wrong since Lizz since she was just a wee little one. In the past few years, her characteristic silence that I would get came in the form of her not calling, or answering, or responding to text messages, emails, or voicemails. I would try to hold out, but my control did not usually last more than a couple of weeks. In college, then after she moved to another state, I longed to know how she was doing. Was she happy, scared, content? Was she feeling joy?
I’ve been spending today actively trying to understand what has happened. Communication has never been easy in our family. Neither Dan or I grew up with parents who encouraged it. In those days, it was most common to follow the rule that if you cannot say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Dan was especially uncomfortable with talking about serious topics. Even asking the kids to do a chore was difficult for him. He would ask them if they could take out the trash when they had time. He explained to me that he didn’t want to sound bossy, and didn’t want them to be mad at him. I suppose this actually paid off, since now all three will talk to him.
We have three adult children ranging in age right now from 26 to 31 (in 10 days). As Lizz, the oldest, will be 31 years old and will not talk to me. 8 months ago, she advised me that she was feeling ready to open up our communication to writing letters to each other. This was to be only written letters, not emails, text messages, or computer assisted typed letters. Of course, this once again gave me hope that she was ready, or at least willing to talk to me. To help me understand what I could do to bring her back. Prior to being given the instruction that it was to be only letters, it was a very uncomfortable two years. The long talks ended when she moved close to school and friends, so I didn’t give it much thought. We would still have nice chats, just not as often. My first absolute indication that something new was going on, was when I suggested that I visit while she is out of school for the summer. She told me that she would rather that I don’t visit. That she doesn’t want the stress. Everything kind of went fuzzy, but I remember just responding with something like, I understand. I did understand that she could feel this way, but I didn’t understand that she would be so deliberately hurtful.
In Early June, Lizz called to tell me that a little boy that she had cared for as a nanny, had just been diagnosed with Leukemia. I was shocked, and I did as well as I could to choke back tears. She heard, and I sensed that she was mad that I was crying rather than comforting her. I did the best I could, kept up to date with how she was doing, and how the little guy was doing. A few months passed with everything seeming fairly even. In October, I participated in the Light the Night LLS event, walking and donating in honor of this little guy. I wanted every possible good wish to go to him. When the event was over, I emailed his mom to tell her how much had been donated in her son’s name. Soon after sending the email, I received an early morning call from Lizz. She was extremely upset that I had crossed a boundary, and had emailed her friend about her. I was completely confused. Apparently, her friend had told her that I had mentioned that I was sad that she wasn’t going to be home for Christmas. She thought that I was trying to make her feel guilty. I was just sharing as a mom to another mom. I should have kept the email simple, or not have written at all. I hope like hell, that I have learned a big lesson.
Between that call and another to follow, she told me that because of things that happened in her childhood, she could not have successful relationships. She was referring to my horrible bouts of depression, that would manifest itself in anger outbursts. Range attacks. I remember the time, but am unable to clearly remember the actual episodes. I wouldn’t black out, but there would be grayness. Not quite black, more like thick grey smoke that would muffle sounds, and hide images. I hated it, and it would come out of nowhere, usually over the smallest of imperfections. I remember feeling extremely unloved and unappreciated by both Dan and the three children. I know that it was Dan that I was mad at for not demonstrating that he loved me in the way that I thought I needed it. Unfortunately, I not only took it out on Dan, but also on my three beautiful children.
Around the beginning of the year, Lizz told me that she was feeling a great deal of anxiety, and would like to limit on communication to text right now. In an early text, she explained that she would like to have a good phone chat at some point soon, but that she didn’t have the “emotional bandwidth” at the moment. Then went on to say “It is really not my intention to be hurtful in any way. I hope you can understand.” I responded “The problem is that I don’t understand”, followed by a list, yes, an actual list with bullet points, of ways that I love her, am proud of her, how she brings me joy, and the pain that I felt over having hurt her. This did not go well. Sadly, it was taken that she and her feelings and emotions are a problem to me. I know that was not at all what I meant, but defending that right then was not working. There were brief text messages from her over the
I complied with her request for three letters, then the 4th I chose to type. With carpal tunnel, writing a letter can take a long time, and has to be done while sitting at a desk or table. Sitting with my feet touching the floor causes excruciating pain in my feet. When I have to sit this way, it takes all I have to focus, and often requires me to have to take extra pain medication. Not good for concentrating on what I am writing. So my last letter, I sent about a month ago with an apology for not handwriting it, and hoped that she would understand. I haven’t heard anything since, so I have no idea. Her birthday is coming up in just over a week, so I will hand write a message in a card. The anxiety that this creates is extreme. So far, anything that I have written has been deeply criticized. Early in the process, she would tell me that I was making it all about me. I then changed my focus to make nothing about me. Watching the “I” statements, and not being in the least bit defensive. I was then criticized for not talking enough about myself. I am confused, afraid and scared. Finally, 2 months later, she sent a text, confirming that I was still prepared to just listen. This was followed up with a phone call that felt very good.
Things that she brought up to me included the way I’ve treated her in the past, and that she remembers trying to communicate with me, and it always ended with me sobbing, say that all I ever wanted was to be a good mom. And finally, she now needs to be the one to initiate any contact. No text messages
I’ve been through every emotion possible, over the time that she was clear that I was not to contact her. Even now, I feel a weight on my chest when I think about that day. I realize just now that I have to be honest with myself. This was happening over many years. The strain and the tension were there since before her teens.We were always both too similar, and too different. It was as if she was barely tolerating me for years. When I did feel the love shine through, it felt amazing. That could be for many months, or just a moment. I wonder if I sensed that this was to come. I remember when she called me frequently on her long commute back to her home on week out of the month. She would talk and talk, and share. Times like these, I felt trusted. I knew that she needed to pass the time, and I was happy to oblige.
A wonderful friend just left this earth to join so many others who I have loved. Shirley was a remarkable woman Over the 15 years or so that we have been neighbors in McCloud, I got to where I knew that she would be there, across the street, often tending her beautiful garden, or enjoying a good book on the porch. When our visits did not happen to coincide, there was always a little emptiness, and loneliness. I will miss Shirley beyond any words that I can muster.
I told her years ago, that she felt like a big sister to me, but without any of the conflicts that came with my own sibling relationships. At times she was like a mom, filling that role even more after Mother passed in 2012. Mostly though, the only title that was important was that she was my friend. I trusted her to listen, give advise, know when to laugh, cry or be still. I always knew that we had more visits, more laughs, more talks, and more celebrations. Every time that one of us was getting ready to leave McCloud, and we were saying our goodbyes, it was known that it was until next time.
Learning to Play Together as Adults
Quincy Street will forever have a missing piece, but her light will continue to shine. Her personal beauty, her inner beauty, and the beauty of every flower and plant that she touched will not just be remembered, but will be felt. She will be felt for what I can only guess will be forever.
Throughout the years, the love that I feel for both Andy & Shirley has grown stronger. I can’t imagine there not being an “Andy & Shirley” across the street. They have both been an inspiration to me regarding marriage when I needed it most. This is what it is about, I would remind myself. I often watched them working like a well oiled machine, and that was a beautiful thing that I had the privilege to watch. Shirley was the consummate teacher. That was her calling, and it is what she loved. Not just in the classroom, but also to those all around her. I don’t remember feeling less than, or in need of teaching, but it was more as if I wanted to learn from her.
At some point, many of us will gather together to share stories of Shirley. Most stories will make us smile, but many will make us laugh or to cry, then some will make us do all three at once. I will celebrate her beautiful life often and with joy.
She will enjoy her favorite time of year without end. Springtime is her season with new life and colorful flowers.
Until the next time Shirley. I love you. Safe travels.
We should all write love letters to friends while they are still around to read them. Most love letters to friends are reserved until after that person passes away. They are either read at the funeral, or kept private in our own thoughts or journals.
Hans, you are an incredible man. Many people have met you when you selflessly stopped what you were doing to help someone else. We can all learn from you. I didn’t know you before there was a Kelly and young Hans, and I observed you well before getting to know you and your family. While working on our old house, I would observe you, a stranger pushing his baby in a stroller. Proud, happy, and friendly. Later, you, Kelly and young Hans moved in across the street. I suppose it was your dog, Asoka that brought you into my life.
Before even having a chance to finish this post, Hans passed. He went quietly to God. Hans was a true believer in God. From my perspective, he lived fully, appreciating everything, and everyone.
Oh, when things are going well, they are so well. But when any one of my children has a need to distance him or herself, I feel it so strongly. I physically hurt, feel drained, and of course feel sad. I do want to know what I have done, so I can work hard to never do it again. To apologize for whatever it was that I have done. I know that I never wanted to hurt one of my children, intentionally or accidentally. Things have been silent with the oldest. She let me know quite clearly that she doesn’t want to talk to me.
I’ve never known such joy, than that I have felt as a mom. I’ve never known such pain, than that I’ve felt as a mom….For all of the joy, and all of the pain, and every emotion in between, I know with every fiber of my being that being a mom has been the greatest gift that I have ever received! Lizz, Becka, and Conrad…
Thank you. ♥ ♥ ♥
Before her summer break from school, I suggested that I drive or fly up so we can spend some time together. She hesitated, then told me that she’d rather me not. That she didn’t want the stress. This wasn’t the first time that things have been tense between us. Those are too many to count. However, this was different. It was complete rejection, and she wasn’t willing to talk about what was going on.
The text messages have been infrequent, but worse than that is they are impersonal. On both sides. I am afraid to overstep any boundaries after the last time. Part of the problem with the written word, especially text messages, which tend to be short, is that words and emotions just do not come across. They can be completely misunderstood.
I feel so lost. If I pour my heart out, she does not respond. She shuts down further, the distance between us gets bigger. I want to be there for her.
We bought Addy on January 26, 2019.
4 wheel drive, Roadtrek CS Adventurous. Within 4 days, all hell broke loose
with Roadtrek. It’s certainly not what we had factored in and bargained for,
but we will make some choices to keep us covered, then enjoy our time on the
road.
We have only taken her out for one outing. Overnight in Pinegrove, CA. We wanted to do kind of a crash course in how to work the gadgets. We headed off, Duke in his seat, Dan driving, and me in the passenger seat smiling from ear to ear, and Duke in the back passenger seat. It rained constant, but we set up the van and the awning area as if it were the most perfect spring day.
In spite of unforgiving rain, we had a blast. Without the outdoor space, we snuggled up in bed a watched “Horrible Bosses” on DVD. We laughed like teenagers, then read and went to sleep. We both slept amazing, except when Dan had to get up to pee. We have decided, and agree now that Sir Duke of Addy will need to wake up and move for the humans when a human needs to get up during the night.
Next morning, we slowly prepared Addy for travel. It was surprisingly easy. Dan worked on the outside, and I worked on the inside. We got done about the same time, so I have a feeling that we will come up with a system quite easily.
Daffodil Hill area
We had a lovely little Brunch in Volcano, buying some dog cookies for Duke, and some (Very dry) banana bread for us. The entire community were closing shops and heading home to prepare for an unusually large amount of snow. Not us, we just traveled further up a narrow road in search of any place that announces themselves on a sign. Our goal was Fiddletown, but When we got to that low spot in the road with water rushing across, we decided that we had gone far enough. Dan skillfully back up about a quarter mile, and we were on our way.
Before heading for home, we did a quick little tour of Sutter Creek. The rain made our decision easy, to see what we could from the front seats of Addy. Beautiful little town, with enough history, that we would definitely like to go back. Maybe another year, timed to see the daffodils bloom. Getting back to I-5, and trying to decide which route we wanted to take home, we found Hwy 88 was a very pretty way to get across the valley. Keep in mind that we love backroads and agriculture.
It was a very wet couple of days, but we achieved our goal of figuring out if we know enough to take her out for more than a night. We are ready, but have a lot more to learn.
We are still trying to figure out just how we will navigate this new motorhome lifestyle without the support of Roadtrek, but it’s beginning to look like we may be at least as well off as we would have been without the warranty and support. The Facebook groups are an endless supply of information and help, and we are finding out that Roadtrek and Hymer owners are amazing. We are learning much more about the motorhome, than if we would have had the ability to bring it to the shop for every little thing.
Oh, and the name, Addy Road. Think Roadtrek Adventurous, or Adventurous Roadtrek. Also, who doesn’t love a little spin on what many argue was the last Beatles album. What do you think. “Let It Be” or “Abbey Road”?
At sixty years old, I’ve had my share of broken hearts throughout my lifetime, but no other broken heart hurts as badly as when it has been broken by my own child. It feels as if there is a hole that pierces completely through, preventing me from getting the oxygen needed to sustain me.
Full of Joy, Helpful, Loving, Sweet, Brilliant, Independent
Climbing season is gearing up, and from what we hear, it is going to be a great season. Each year can be dramatically different from any others, so as a climber, you will never be completely prepared. Mt. Shasta, the second highest volcanic peak in the Cascade Range, is a challenging climb that requires preparation. There are no actual trails to guide you, and the weather can change your plans at any time.
Summiting
To increase your chances of a successful summit, you will need to train, will need the right equipment, and will need at least one partner. There are a number of excellent Mountain Guides in the area, who can help prepare you. Some are better with large groups, while others are more suited for small groups or pairs. Check with any of our local Outdoor Gear stores in the area for a guide that is right for you.
Base Camp
“Summit day” starts by waking up in wee hours of the morning, eating a good breakfast, then you will be on your way, carrying a pack with layers of clothes, sun protection and plenty of energy food.
Morning Sunrise
The fun, and danger come on the way down. You will need to know how to glissade, and how to use your ice axe.
Almost there
We wish the best for anyone who chooses to make this climb. Not everyone summits, either by choice, or by something unexpected. It may be malfunctioning gear, or illness, or you just change your mind.
A few months ago, I decided that I was going to work really hard on not being judgemental. This doesn’t happen overnight, and I doubt that it will ever happen completely. Occasionally, I ask myself if I get a pass for certain people, or on instances where people are just out-and-out behaving like assholes. The Man who parked his shiny black, very expensive car across two handicap spaces, so his wife could sprint into the post office, where she was then required to wait in line with everybody else. I judged him/them. There were plenty of free spaces, but I must have missed his special sticker that says that the rules and laws do not apply to him. Oh… Did I mention that this occurred just feet away from our Sheriff substation?
Two particular behaviors will send me into judgey mode every time I see them. It seems as if this area has an exception to the law that I have not found in the DMV handbook. As in the case that I described above, it seems that as long as you
a) have your motor running, you are permitted to park in, or block a handicap space.
b) Providing that you back into said space, and remain in the car, you are exempt from having a handicap sticker
c) you are permitted to park along red curbs if you do not see any emergency vehicles in the vicinity, and
d) Backing into, and blocking a space that is marked by a sign that reads: NO PARKING-FIRE LANE – KEEP CLEAR AT ALL TIMES
During the high school pick up, two moms regularly parked side by side in the coveted, private space.
In the area where I live, there are two communities that border each other. In many instances, the names are paired. Alamo-Danville, Danville-Alamo. We share schools, shopping, dining, and an attitude that I have rarely seen elsewhere. I suppose some of this comes from living in what is perceived as an affluent community. When my children were in school, they would half jokingly refer to the ghetto of Danville. Apparently, there is such an area, but I’ve yet to see it. Instead I would drive through the student parking lot, passing BMW’s, Jaguar’s, Audi’s, Land Rover’s, New Mustang’s, Porsche’s, and a sprinkling of classic sports cars. The less expensive cars stood out amongst the new and used luxury cars that the students drove, and I found myself wondering what these kids had to look forward to.
Living here, makes my mission of not judging others quite difficult at times. I am finding that when I do not judge others, but instead work to understand, or just let things go, that I am happier and more relaxed. Not being brought into gossip can be a struggle when people around you are talking about others. At first it doesn’t seem like gossip, but rather about sharing. Then gradually it morphs into full on gossip. I am trying with all my might to practice compassion from the moment these conversations turn to talking about others who are not present. It is interesting how, quickly conversations will move past the gossip, if I don’t participate. It seems to be a members only club, and I am happy to give up this exclusive membership.
SLICED TOMATOES 